Thursday, November 29, 2012

No Intro Necessary

Today, I'm getting real.  Totally non-photography.  Today, it's just me, my computer, and a story....

Dr: "well, Cynthia, I have the numbers and we need to have a totally different conversation now....
Can your husband come to your next appointment?  I want to make sure you have the support you need, that you're not alone."

The support I need?...


(a few weeks earlier)

It had been a long night.  I just drove the boys home from LA by myself- Jeffe left early to get some much needed study time in.  Normally we don't drive separately, but Jeffe bought me a new car while we were down south and let me drive it home.  Bliss, I tell you, pure bliss!  TV in the back totally captivating my children, and my ipod in the front playing whatever song I choose. 

Amidst my bliss (which was tremendous, since I had been without a car for months now, as we saved up), all I could think about was one thing. THE. WHOLE. FOUR. HOURS.

I promised myself I wouldn't take another test for at least 5 more days, but the SECOND I walked into the door, after a hello kiss to my sweet husband that is, I HIT THE BATHROOM.

Jeffe, ever the gentleman, exited to the car to unload our junk luggage.  My mind was on bigger things. Done.  I waited impatiently by the door for Jeff to come back in.

"BOO-YAH!!" shoving the pee-stick in his face.

"Well, that's one way to tell your husband  you're pregnant!"

I had been telling Jeffe for two agonizing weeks that I was pregnant, all with the response of a deer-in-the-headlights-look.  AND, we had somehow managed to get pregnant exactly one day after having my IUD taken out.  So, yes, a BOO-YAH was totally necessary.  I knew it.  And all of the negative pee-sticks could, well, stick it!

YESSSSS!  (insert ringing bells and all that jazz- because I was ecstatic!)

I am baby-crazy. Ok, I've said it.  From the second my children reach about 6 months, I.AM.HUNGRY.FOR.MORE.  It's a disease, I'm sure.  But I'll leave that to someone else to research.  And, if you've done the math, the beast inside of me dying for a tiny, little, precious newborn had been put on hold for TWENTY-EIGHT whole months!  (yes, when you become a mother all time calculations are converted over to the mother-system: aka months/ in terms of how old one of your kids is)

So, here we were, on the baby-train again.  Occupancy: 5.  Yes, it takes all 4 of us and Lola to make it through the craziness that is Looky Loo pregnant.  Let's just say, it's not a pretty sight! ;)

First stop: major stomach pains/puking.

Ok, maybe TMI, but if so, you can exit now.

So, this is where the scary part of the ride began.  This is when you are on the plane and you hit turbulence and you begin praying with all your might and looking upward every 5 seconds to check if the oxygen masks have fallen.  (No? Just Me?  Well, you get the idea)

I knew something wasn't right.

So, I did what any normal, level-headed mother in the tech age would do and googled every last slight pain I was feeling.  By nights end, I had either ovarian cancer or a tubal pregnancy.  Trust me, I'm an avid Grey's watcher, which means I'm basically an MD.  I know what I'm doing.

But, I wasn't far enough along to see a doctor- and stomach pains aren't exactly weird for pregnancy.  Just for crazy people like me who know their body far too well.

So, on with life.  I told only the need-to-know people, with the immediate caution: it's not going to last. No need to have them get all attached to the idea of me having a baby.  I surely wasn't.  Or at least I was trying not to be.  Right?

I talked to women who had been pregnant before and who had had miscarriages.  Medical studies for my Dr Grey research.  Pretty technical stuff.

After all of my research, I came to the conclusion that maybe I was ok.  Maybe cramps and severe stomach pains were totally fine and this was just some super child kicking my rear.


For a second I let myself believe everything was ok and that I was having this baby.  We told the boys and they were THRILLED.  Well, by they, I mean Calvin.  He became my little hero.  Taking care of me and Boston on my hard days.  Oh ya, more turbulence: enter migraine fun.

Then, on the day before Thanksgiving more rough seas.  I had not only stomach pains and now spotting, but I was feeling light-headed and dizzy.

Dr. GreyMcCauley, what should we do??

I was drawing a blank, so I gave in and called the "real" doctor.  Appointment immediately.

Insert another hero.  My step mom spent her entire day before Thanksgiving toting me around to appointments while my brothers and dad took care of the boys.  Oh, don't worry, it's not like they had cleaning and cooking to do.  I mean, it was only the DAY BEFORE THANKSGIVING and they were only HOSTING Thanksgiving dinner at their house.


Well, my mind was set at ease.  No ovarian cancer and no tubal pregnancy.  Weird, I know- Dr GreyMcCauley is NEVER wrong.  But, it's ok, I'm not too proud to admit a rare wrong call in my thriving medical practice.

Doctor's orders: bed rest and water.

Done and done.  Right?  Because anyone with 2 kids and 2 jobs has plenty of time to spend IN BED.  Sure, ok, doc, I'll get right on that.

Well, I did the best I could, thanks to the amazing people around me.  Including my WONDERFUL husband, who helped me make my parts of the Thanksgiving meal.

Fast forward through a fun, family-filled weekend and some horrible decisions to tell a few more people I was pregnant.  Darn that calm before the storm when you really start to convince yourself that everything is fine.

Here comes Monday.  Oh, how I hate you Monday.

Dr appt to go over all of the millions of tests they took on Wednesday.  Which, might I add, they did not fully collect.

So, while the nurses were busy getting the rest of the data, Mrs Dr decided to take a look at baby boo-yah.  Another ultrasound.  It went a little something like this:

"Everything looks perfect.  The sac is growing beautifully and is in the perfect place.  I'm not worried about the spotting or pain.  I think it's safe to say you're pregnant.  I just want to check out the rest of the results and I'll be right back...."

Well, you know how the rest goes.  We're back to the beginning of this story.  Back to the "new conversation."

I want to clarify, I am in no way upset with Mrs Dr.  Everything did seem fine.

Until she read the blood results: Done and done.  Baby boo-yah was no more.

Our new conversation was filled with letters and numbers that are mostly just a blur to me now.  It's amazing how fast you can go from elated to crushed, let me tell you.

That brings me to today: waiting.  Waiting for baby boo-yah to exit the womb and make room for baby here-to-stay.

Now, don't get the wrong idea.  I'm not writing this for your sympathy or pity.  I've let myself feel all of the emotions and I've come to terms with everything.  What really sparked me to write this little ditty (besides wanting people to stop asking if I'm pregnant, because I just don't know how to answer that) is something that has really hit me.

One word from this experience has buzzed through my mind lately: support.

Boston loves to sing "the wise man built his house upon a ROCK."  (he loves that last part, because you hit your hand with a fist when you say it- very manly)  I've heard that song a million times.  Yes, our lives need to have a strong foundation so we can make it through the storms of life...lalala, yadayadayada...

BUT, what I realized through all of this is that there is so much more to that strong foundation.  It's laid brick by brick.  And yes, some of the bricks are morals, beliefs, confidence, etc.  But, I think each person in our lives holds a brick in our foundation.  Some are strong bricks that help sure-up our foundation, and some are bricks of sand, and when the storms come, they fall apart or leave- leaving you with holes in your foundation.

I guess what I'm saying is, I'm really grateful for the rocks in my life.  Through all of this, I have had so many people there making things easier.  Whether taking Calvin to school, sending me sweet messages of concern, or driving me around, each solid brick has stood strong while I  battled my little storm.  And don't get me wrong, I know it is but a little storm- people go through much more horrible things everyday.  

As I laid in bed the other night- clearly in my angry phase- wondering what the purpose was for a trial like this (why couldn't I just not get pregnant... why did I have to gain this stupid weight, etc) I realized one thing.

It is a great gift to LOVE and BE LOVED

Through this I have had the opportunity to do both.

With the immediate pain of loss, I realized just how much I loved that little baby boo-yah.  Without ever even meeting them or knowing them I loved them.  With my whole heart.  I took joy thinking about who they would be and what a great addition they would be to our family.  A couple months is not long, but it was long enough to fall in love.

I also allowed myself to be loved.  I am still amazed at the over-whelming amount of love and support I have received.  It's amazing how much easier a trial can feel when you know people are out there praying for you and concerned for your well-being.  People who make you feel better about yourself and love you for who you are.  My sweet husband tenderly took care of me and, during a crazy week (last week of classes in his last quarter at Cal Poly), he took time off to come to the appointment.  Stud.  Total Brick, baby!  ;)

I am so grateful for each person in my life.  From this, I am inspired to do more and to be more.  I want to make sure I am the rock in other people's foundations, not the sand that blows away during the hard times.  I think we all have times in our lives where we look deep-down and yearn to grow and do better.  But, in doing that, I feel that it makes the trial worth it.  If I can grow and do better, than baby boo-yah wasn't a total loss.  There's no need to be sad, or even angry.

I have a beautiful life full of love and happiness!  I have SO much to be grateful for!

Yes, Mrs Dr, I do have enough support- I have more than enough support.

So, Little Lookies.. are you brick or sand?  Have you been compelled to "stop and smell the roses" lately?  What are you working on in your life?  Are you daring enough to share?

Well, there is one thing I know for sure:

(stolen from my fav movie)

"You is KIND,
You is SMART,

So, go out and show the world the kind of rock you're made of! ;)

xoxo, Loo Who


  1. I had a very similar experience before Sydney, and a very tense weekend waiting for the test results (after a not-promising ultrasound) with this one. I am so, so sorry that you're going through this but also so glad that you're surrounded by awesome people. It gets easier, but in my case the next pregnancy was very scary. Sending you hugs and love and prayers and strong mama mojo.

    1. Thank you, Corey! Cal is already asking when our next baby will be coming- I'm sure every hiccup will terrify me with the next pregnancy!

  2. I can't even imagine how hard it must have been to go through this. I am so happy that you have such an amazing husband and family to support you. You are in my prayers!

  3. Replies
    1. Thank you, Becki! I really enjoyed the email you sent me- very good info! :)

  4. I love to see people come out smiling after a storm in their life. Your words are beautifully written. I appreciate you sharing your story...If it would be ok..I would love to share parts of your message with my YW. Your example of the rocks and sand in a foundation is something I think the girls need to hear. Let me know. are beautiful inside and out...and you truly have a gorgeous family. <3 Tricia Gilmore

    1. Thank you Tricia!! Yes, feel free to share whatever you want with your YW! I absolutely love young women! I'm sure they are loving having you!! :)

  5. You are an Amazing Person!!

  6. I love that there are other crazy people like me in this world who make their life an open book. Not because we are looking for sympathy or congratulations etc. but for the sole reason of helping others learn from our experiences and showing others that they are not alone and no one has a perfect life. Love you and your beautiful spirit. Thank you for sharing your trial and letting us help you. Monique